Tue 20 Sep 2005
As promised, I am writing a post related to the discussion in the previous post (Kuwaiti women and maids….) about the huge number of maids and how they have become part of every family.
The first part was basically an introduction or a warmup to this part.
This time, instead of discussing the reasoning behind the need for maids, I will try to give a theory that I came up with regarding the issue of children and maids.
Any child that spends much time with an adult for a long time will definitely be affected by that person. The way our society has become dependant on maids for raising our children will definitely have long term effects. Not just on a personal basis to the one child, but to our society as a whole.
Have u ever seen an interview with a Kuwaiti kid on tv? Whether it was a children’s show or just interviews with random ppl on the street and children are involved, I have always wondered as to how come they are all shy?!? The kids seem to be very quiet, very reserved, and all in all, they do not seem like kids!
Kids r usually loud, hyperactive, and mostly extrovert. When u see kids in any country, they seem to be enjoying their childhood! They are full of life and emotions. Obviously not all our kids are introverts and quiet and shy, but in general we seem to have alot more quiet children.
My theory is, that this child spends most of his or her days with the maid. Maids in general in our society have a role of being silent, quiet, and obedient. A maid rarely has an opportunity to laugh out loud or express any emotions in front of her employers. The maid has to keep everything in emotionally. The kid interacts with the maid more than their mothers in some cases, especially when it comes to the feeding, cleaning, and comforting of the child. These are the things that count! If someone feeds me, cleans me, and hugs me when im crying, I will obviously feel more love and attachment to that person than whoever is paying for all this and occassionally interacts with me.
In other words, the child sees someone like a maid as a role model and as the way a person acts. All that كبت will rub off whether u like it or not!
This is just one of the many negatives that come with neglecting ur child. Im sure there are many more things, and this whole idea of linking the child’s behaviour to the time they spend with the maid could also be all false. But its just something that I thought of when I was traveling and walking in an area full of children, and trying to understand how come they seem to be full of life and childhood!
54 Responses to “Kuwaiti children and maids….”
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September 20th, 2005 at 3:23 am
“Have u ever seen an interview with a Kuwaiti kid on tv? Whether it was a children’s show or just interviews with random ppl on the street and children are involved, I have always wondered as to how come they are all shy?!? The kids seem to be very quiet, very reserved, and all in all, they do not seem like kids!”
That is because Mama Anisa beats them senseless before every taping.
One way to look at it; While Maids do influence the upbringing of Children in our society; our society also forces them to almost shun the same people who raised them. At a young age, they are subconcoiusly taught that the maids/nannys are a lower class. This then forces them to cling to their “kuwaity” teachings. If the nannies were that big of an influence in the latter part of a childs life .. all the kids would be speaking Tagalog.
Now, I do not necessarily believe in this .. just one idea that is out there.
September 20th, 2005 at 9:28 am
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September 20th, 2005 at 9:28 am
Q; This is really an important issue to discuss.
It is sad to see a maid for every child these days … what is the mother’s job then.
My mom never let’s a maid put a hand on my little brothers .. she or I would clean them, feed them, change there cloths and tell them stories.
3ala goolat my mom: “شلون يطاوعهم قلبهم هل أمهات يخلون عيالهم يروحون المدرسه من غير ما يصبحون عليهم”
To me it was really important to hug my mom before going to school… and still is…It is never the same when she is not here.. And I am sure that every kid needs this.
And as for talking about quiet kids.. come see my brothers and you will wish that they were raised by maids
September 20th, 2005 at 9:51 am
Q, thanks for bringing this up again. There are a lot of other side effects that don’t involve kids being too quiet or such. A person’s personality develops in the first 3-5 years of his/her life. So basically, the childs values and morals are molded in those years. Now, I don’t mean to offend any nannies, but some of them really don’t want to run after some stranger’s kid. Moreover, many employers abuse their nannies (emotionally, verbally, financially, etc.). I wouldn’t be surprised if the nanny took her frustration out on the kid(s). Personally, the kids that I’ve encountered who were constantly with their nannies behaved rther unnaturally; some couldn’t speak fluently (Arabic was a no-no and their English had a foreign twist), others were screaming, violent terrors, a peculiarly docile bunch on the side didn’t stop wetting their pants until they were ten, and two kids (aged 8-10 who frequently came to the chalet with their two nannies and driver alone) who, out-of-the-blue, started to cuss me out in English (a combination of f-words and additives); the older one scampered away. I literally had to sit on the younger one until he said sorry.
September 20th, 2005 at 10:21 am
Actually I don’t think Kuwaiti kids are that shy in general. However, they are not very loquacious I think because we have a very daunting word in our culture : Chubb or shut up. Eskitt.
Those words are said so often to our children every day. El-teche3em is very popular in our culture.
I think when a maid raises a child, she will definitely affect that child’s early habits and values.
Again I say, if you can’t give your kids the attention they deserve, don’t be selfish and have any.
September 20th, 2005 at 10:32 am
this is true but …. how can a working mother take care of her child?? being a mother with kids is not an easy task. You have to undrstand the kuwaiti society, women in here mary in their early 20’s and they are young, and this is the problem, young mothers get depressed easily, and they need the time to do things for themselves. Working mothers also are under los of pressure, so thats why nannys are needed.
I want everyone who have a kid to comment, if you didn’t have one then you do not know how does it feel to upbring one.
I feel ofended, as mother with kids, to your comments. When i leave my kids with their nannies it doesn’nt mean i do not care, i care and i want the best of them. As a woring mother, they need care when i am not at home, when i feel depressed, i do not want to “acha3imhum” and take out my rage on them, i just slowely go and leave them to watch T.V or play with their nannies, being a mother is not an easy task to do!
September 20th, 2005 at 10:38 am
I guess I shouldn’t judge if I haven’t walked in a mother’s shoes. But why should I bring a human life into the world if I know that I won’t be around as often as I can? However, I don’t see why I shouldn’t take 2-3 years off from work to raise my future-child before entering him/her into nursery. However, if I can’t afford taking a couple of years off, then I’d rather work to be financially secure and THEN think about becoming pregnant.
September 20th, 2005 at 11:04 am
thekuwaiti, lol! I cant get the image of Mama Aneesa beating the kids senseless!!
TF, Allah ikhaleekum 7ag ba3ath inshalla. The morning hug or kiss or whatever it is, is really great! I didnt realize how important it was until later in life.
erzulie, ur exactly right! The effect of being raised by someone who wont offer as much love and affection will definitely rub off and not in a positive way!
jewaira, u know all my life I disliked the word ‘chubb’ more than any other swear word! and again, i totally agree with - “if you can’t give your kids the attention they deserve, don’t be selfish and have any.”
garz, how can a working mother take care of her child? In Kuwait, we are lucky to have a culture based around family. So family is always there to support us, the child’s grandmother or aunt or whoever is free and available is one option. They will definitly raise the kid and take care of him or her with alot of love and care! If that option is not available, I would personally rather send my kid to a nursery that I trust. At least he will be interacting with other children which will help him grow instead of interacting with the one person and might grow attached to them! I hope u see my point here.
Again, there are working mothers all over the world who manage to raise their children in a loving caring way, what makes Kuwaiti women diff? How come if there is no maid then it is impossible?!
Please dont take any of this as a response to u personally. But u r the first young mother to comment, so ur input is much more valuable than everyone else’s combined!
September 20th, 2005 at 11:54 am
1-Your theory does not take into consideration kids who are innately shy.
2- I noticed that the kids in the family who were raised by their nannies are usually loud and spoiled - not shy at all.
4-Maids are not always silent quiet and obediant.
3- I don’t think it’s enough to
look at how kids react to the microphone to come up with a theory.
Bad theory - many loopholes. Think of something else
September 20th, 2005 at 11:55 am
shosho, another proof that u r, in fact Purg ;P
September 20th, 2005 at 12:26 pm
First of all, Q!! yes its me ;), hubby says hi
Second of all, Q!!!!! please!!!! You have to stop discussing subjects that r soo close to my heart!! Or else u wont get rid of me and my longgggggg comments that no body reads!!!
As a stay at home mother, I can see how much time, care, attention and energy a child needs, its an effort that pays off very well, no body will be willing or capable to give ur child all this love like you r, not only that playing all day can be considered good exercise for u and way more convenient than going to the gym
but its soo much fun, and to know that ur child is learning alottt through all these games, aaah wanasa
everyday he has something new for me to show off at my grandmother’s house
my 11 months old can actually say more words than my friends 2 years old whos mom goes to work leaving him with her mom and maid, he can curse in filipino but thats about it.
Spending all this time with my baby made me understand him soo well, he never needed to scream or cry for anything for heavens sake I know when its time to take him to the toilet even before he shows a sign ! he is potty trained since he was 5 weeks old! ( I can hardly call it “training” , its soo easy I don’t see wht the big deal is about when my friends start complaining), you spare him a lot of infancy troubles if u just spend all the time with him, colic and diaper rash is a major problem with my friends children and I believe that you can prevent it just by breastfeeding (which means spending all the time with him).
we communicate well with him, we understand him, he feels safe and confident, he loves people and loves to show of his vocabulary and the things he knows to others and just loves to see new faces we actually have gathering for friends just for him to enjoy communicating with others! He loves learning new things everyday and he would imitate any move u make! I can not imagine how would he learn all this with someone else all day, My baby is not even walking yet and we have dedicated a whole room just for the toys!
So all of the above and more was worth it for me to leave work, a job that I love to a job that I LOVVVVVVVVVVE! Until he goes to school im sure im very very important right here at home, he depends on me for a lot of things and I can not leave this duty for any on else.. you just can not give as much to a child and go to work.
Stay at home mother is a happy mother, breastfeeding makes you calmer and happier, it’s a hormonal thing. she doesnt have to deal with the crazy crowded streets in the morning or za7mat el muwathafeen on the way back, she doesnt have work pressure to drag home with her, she is not physically tired, the children benefit from the strong happy mammy, she has all her energy to actually have fun with her children and not make them quiet by putting the tv on or shut them up with snacks or ask the maid to keep them entertained in the next room.
I consider this as a form of child abuse, u r depriving him of a basic human right, to be cared for by the people who conceived him, if you r too tired and too crazy and too angry all the time, u will have a maid do more than what she came to Kuwait for, and I doubt that she will do a good job.
we actually moved out of an apartment because we couldnt stand hearing the mother who is back tired from work screaming at the kids who stayed all morning with the maid because she wants to sleep, and then waking up angry at the other kids because she wants them to do their homework..she would use really really bad curses with her children, she was a tired woman, you can easily tell how tired she was by seeing her face, full of make up to hide the tiredness,, too much make up which is not working, and so she ends up even more angry at all of the universe.
Another mother I know spent soo much time convincing me that im going to hell for not wearing 7jab, but she cant find it any where in the qur’an that she can not leave her 2 months old baby in Kuwait and travel on a romantic trip with her husband because they became soo much apart because of the pregnancy which was an obstacle in the way of their relationship!!!!!! I still hear a thousand estaghfar allahs aday from her but not a word about her baby or how he is doing, she has 2 muslim khadamas who prays and read qur’an in her little 2 bedroom apartment!!!
a very very close person to me talks about how much he hated that he saw his Filipino nanny more than his own mother and how he couldnt sleep when she leaves for vacation and that he has this bed time ritual with is holding her ear and falling to sleep, he absolutely hated that and resents his mother for it, this is a mother who thought she did a good job bringing a filipeeneya who speaks English so the children can learn the language she calls her a nanny, put the children in a good school, and that’s all she needs to do for them, off she goes for her parties and shesma. (oQay you Qo to school now
There is no middle in Kuwait, in Kuwait we only work with extremes, the two extremes of any situation hehehe.
no matter how educated this person is, no matter where she is from, no matter how much i pay her or how nice am i to her, no body is good enough for my child. Educated or not, you can not replace me.
We often compare children of Kuwait to our European friends in Kuwait or to our friends kids back in England, kuwaiti kids r dull, they lack life and love of life, slow, lack alertness, no coherence, u cant have a small conversation with them, very shy or very aggressive, look either drunk or hyperactive, there is a missing piece in their picture. plus the fact enna 3yalna emcha3meeenhum 24 hours, we have witnessed many times when parents get mad at the child for “making a noise” which I call “talking”, so the child really thinks he is bad for speaking or making any kind of sound, when they r asked ot speak they r usually very shy…
I have to end this but I have to list other factors that contribute to our children in kuwait to be this way:
1. unnecessary medication, it messes with the brain, with the chemistry of the body, our weak immune system makes us sick all the time and we do not wait for our body’s natural healing process we r running to the doctors all the time and taking all kinds of pain killers and other things, a sick body = a sick brain.
2. food and behavior is a favorite subject of mine, you r wht you eat, and I shall say no more ;P
3. tv is a big part of any kids life, kids tv in kuwait, not only under estimates the mind of children, but its boring, and their stupid questions and topics to discus, i honestly dont know how will my son survive this, there is no decent kwuaiti tv time for children, many many times i think of voluntarily go edit their programs for them! and i might just do that when my child is older and in school.
4. reading, self education! Or the lack of them, there r no reading groups for children in Kuwait, no parents volunteer to read a book for a group of children, its just not an interesting activity here, not even healthy play groups that parents participate in, sometimes I think parents here want to part in their child’s life!!
5. sports! Running is a thing of the past in the childs life now!
6. breastfeeding, kuwaities do not breastfeed anymore, a child has a right to breastfeed on demand ( meaning when ever he wants) for the first 2 years, it builds his immune system as well as his happiness and well being. We need a whole new blog just for this issue, why kuwaities don’t breastfeed anymore, the myths the facts o the excuses women give not to do it.
we all love our children, and again, our children is a reflection of us, if we do not want them to be lazy arrogant ignorant dependant dull boring spoiled fat sick then we should be the change we want to see in them.
p.s. I can not leave without recommending again, natural child for jan hunt and how to raise a healthy child in spite of your doctor by dr Robert s mendhelson!!!!!!
September 20th, 2005 at 1:24 pm
Q, I think I understand where you are coming from. Personally I think that the reason why kids seem shy, and many of them you see out with thier parents yet holding onto thier mothers skirts or pants, or barrying thier head in their laps in public and especially true when a stranger starts talking to them. ITS BECAUSE, and again this is only my beleif First of all kids are not 100% safe attached to their parents to begin with. Second, Parents in this country do not talk to thier kids like functioning human beings with feelings, emotions, and opinions. Ask a kid which peice of candy he wants, the red or the yellow one?-they will sway back, and forth gazing into ur eyes instead of making a normal decision. Vs. a western kid, that will scream out RED or YELLOW in no time, because decision making, and choices are indivisualistic in western societies, not clan oriented
September 20th, 2005 at 1:40 pm
We Love Kuwait;
God knows how much I loved your comment
September 20th, 2005 at 2:20 pm
Garz you have made a very good point and yes, we do need help looking after our children.
However, when we decide to have a baby, we should try to take time off of work for a year if possible.
There is nothing wrong with having someone reliable to look after your kid when it is necessary.
But it is very wrong when:
1. You depend on the nanny to wake up, dress, feed, and take your kid to school while you sleep in.
2. You allow the nanny to sleep with your kid and do not establish a bed time routine with your child
3. You take a nanny with you everywhere to hold your child when you could be holding it or pushing the buggy yourself.
And the list could be endless.
What I am saying is that a nanny is there to help out and that is ok but not there to take the place of mom and dad.
September 20th, 2005 at 3:33 pm
بداية مشكورين على الموضوع المهم جدا و لو أني حاليا ما عندي هالمشكلة إلا أن كل طفل في ديرتي الصراحه بهمني أمره
و لربما نحتاج أن نعطي مساحة أكبر للموضوع
على فكرة أعقد أن في مجلس لرعاية الطفولة برئاسة الدكتور حسن الإبراهيم و أنا شخصيا لا أعرف أنشطة و فعاليات المجلس و دور المجلس بالوعي و الارشاد و الاهتمام بهذه المواضيع و الصراحة هم ليس لي علم إذا لهم موقع انترنتي
قابل لكم بس الحظ ردي
خلوني أشوف اذا لهم موقع انترنتي
عموما أحي الكريم الفاضل مستر كيو شكرا جدا لإثارة الموضوع و عساك على القوة
و قبل لا أنسى
إذا تبي جدتي تره حاضر ممكن أزوجك اياها
تره مو كبيره وايد بس 85 سنه
September 20th, 2005 at 4:44 pm
I agree with Jewaira and Waterlilie; shunning kids away every time they try to speak is the main reason for them being less talkative, also video games, computer games are another reason, our kids lack outdoor group activities, nevertheless, maids do play a significant role on children and their effect is not something that could be taken lightly especially when it comes to violence. and to answer your question of why Q8i women are different; I’ll have to say that this country does not provide affordable alternatives to nannies like nurseries or baby sitters, in the west some firms have very cheep nurseries in the same building or attached to it so that working mothers can check on their kids during the day while they’re performing their duty, so we are doomed to this fate, especially the ones who can’t afford staying home with the kids, but as Jewaira said; having the nanny does not have to mean a complete dependence on them as we see it happening in the Gulf area, nannies should be a replacement in necessities only, like when you’re at work for instance, but when you’re home, you have to spend quality time with them, they have to feel who’s their mom, and this also goes to the father. And mind you, children are much smarter than what we give them credit for, they do understand the difference.
September 20th, 2005 at 9:54 pm
Dear Q,
I am not going to write a long comment… but suffice to say that children are often beaten by their maids and are afraid to tell their parents for two reasons. Fear of falling out of favor with the maid.. and fear of more beatings…
This often breaks the child’s spirit and causes him to become introverted, and destroys their self-respect.
Truly,
Misguided
September 20th, 2005 at 10:12 pm
maids, no maids, it is a different world, so the kids will be spoiled either way, nothing will work, analyzing society will not bring any benefit.
Besides, with the fertility rate going down in the world, it is just a matter of time until there are no more sperms or egges to have human babies and you end up with lizards and iguanas as subs.
So ask yourself, are you ready to take care of your lizard? if not, then go freeze your sperms and eggs until it is time for you to have a baby in the year 3000, assuming the world still exists.
You know while writing this I kept imagining a nice dish of sushi.
September 20th, 2005 at 11:29 pm
Child Psychology is a decipline in which most “nannies”, or maids, are not schooled — neither for that matter most parents.
This “social” experiments has been going on for at least two generations. We are now observing its outcome. And, there is more to follow.
P.S. Purgy: even lizards evolve. Some have already lost some limbs. So, beware!
September 21st, 2005 at 12:57 am
Being a mother -frankly speaking- is blessing from god, we should take care of our kids, but also do not forget the depression that comes, nannies are a helping hand not “A REPLACMENT FOR THE MOTHER”. This is my whole point.
And really, in kuwait its the mother who does eveything, and where is the fathers role??
September 21st, 2005 at 7:11 am
We love kuwait: Can I adopt you? Haha, kidding…but I really REALLY admire you. Good luck and take care
and p.s. some women don’t breastfeed because they don’t want their breasts to turn into flappy socks. What they do is take a pill that prevents milk formation in the breast.
September 21st, 2005 at 2:28 pm
Thekuwaiti
A couple years ago was walking along Bond Street with a british friend and saw Mama Aneesa. I pointed her out to him and told him she was our longest running children’s program host. He said we must be a really fucked up society because she looked really mean!
As for the kids on her show, she didn’t physically beat them but her glares can turn grown men into jelly. Just ask any of her TV crew!
September 21st, 2005 at 4:58 pm
My lizard has no limbs already, very flexible, so is my iguana, care for a duel?
September 22nd, 2005 at 5:15 am
Zaydoun,
You know the kids that were afraid of monsters while growing up. Mine were Mama Anisa and Tabtabaie .. the Boogie Monster cant hold a candle to either of em.
September 23rd, 2005 at 9:41 pm
As a kid, I considered Mma Aneesa my idol, I loved her so much, and one time my luck struck when some kids of my school got invited to appear in Mama Aneesa’s show and I was chosen to be one of them, I was thrilled and did not sleep the night before from excitement. And we did appear in the show with her only to shove us around carelessly when the camera was not rolling, and act like the genuine mother in front of the camera, I stopped watching her show ever since.
September 23rd, 2005 at 10:31 pm
im an english expat living here in kuwait and yes i do notice more and more kuwaiti women giving responsabilities to maids for example i was at al mowast hospital and in front of me was a kuwaiti mother her child and a maid they spoke in english and the receptionist asked the lady what is the date of birth of your child the kuwaiti lady turned to the maid and asked her as she did not know that is really sad.
but children in general do have a shy side especially around stangers this is normal as i have a 1.5 yaer old and a 3 month old.
i have a maid but she souly works on the house freeing time for me to spend with my children.
but far too many maids take care of kuwaiti children which in turn makes me wonder who the child learns to respect and look up to.
where will the child learn values etc and to be quiet honest not alot of maids are educated therefore the child loses educational learning and ability.
im lucky in the sense that my maid is fun loving and educated.
also the child learns from the treatment their parents place on the maids and grow up to treat the maids the same in some cases.
children are for life not just as a show off ie how cute
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October 22nd, 2005 at 4:00 pm
kuwaiti kids are obnoxiously behaved, rude and simply overbearing becasue maids bring them up and think that the maids are there at their whimps and fancy. Surely they see the way their parents treat the maids abd show no respect. Regaridng the television that shyness is probably cause of the camera in front and their behaviour exposed. Take the camera off and see the behaviour, even small kids sometimes talk and behave rudely witht he maids knowing fully well that if they complain about the maid she’s had it!
October 22nd, 2005 at 7:20 pm
I’m a child who has five maids, a cook, and a driver. I don’t seem affected, every kid is shy infront of adults but when we’re with other kids we definetly are hyper active. Don’t judge kids because why do we have to be on TV, we don’t have to be on TV to proove that we aren’t hyperactive, so what if we’re quiet, quiet kids when they grow up they become hyperactive like me.
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Kim…
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Pod…
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Kim…
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Kim…
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