Continuing the comedy mood, after the few but funny contributions on this previous post, I decided to post some funny stuff from my favorite comedian, Steven Wright! His comedy is not ur usual stuff, its very weird and smart. Its the kind of thing where you would hear the crowd laugh 10 seconds after hearing the joke!

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies.” So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars.”

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”

I spilled some spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I was at this restaurant. The sign said “Breakfast Anytime.” So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.

I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

I’ve been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

———————————————————————————————

Obviously, hearing this stuff coming straight from him makes it 100 times funnier. He basically has a very low tone which is monotone throughout the show!

Hope you enjoy this!